Thump Thump Thump.
Thump Thump Thump.
It really is hard to concentrate with that banging. And now, suddenly rain? Or is that hail?
THUMP THUMP THUMP.
Jeez! Knock much? Who could possibly be at the door in the rain. I'll just look through the peephole. Hmm... I can't see much but his face through the peephole. Which is... creepy. When was the last time this guy got a hair cut? I think I'll keep the door shut.
"Hello?"
"Yes, sorry to bother you but I'm looking for someone. His name is Judas."
"I'm sorry but I don't know anyone by that name."
"He betrayed my friend Chris."
"Well I am sorry for your friend but as I said, I don't know anyone by that name. Please leave now."
THUMP.
he jumps back.
I better triple lock this door. Chain should be good on top of the deadbolt and handle lock.
windy day, doing chores around the house.
he puts the chain on the door, looking through the peephole again.
Oh thank goodness, hes gone.
Thump Thump Thump.
Still, with the shutters? I need to close them, the forecast didn't call for damaging winds but apparently they're wrong.
he walks to the window, and before he gets there he hears,
Tap Tap Tap
he freezes where he stands.
What... Whats going on...
he peers around the corner, and then runs to the kitchen.
"911? Yes there is a man standing outside my window. He's in a trench coat, tall, I didn't see much other than he's bald."
he peeks over the counter.
"He isn't there anymore, but I would really love it if you could send over a cop."
Ding-Dong
"Oh, wow that was fast thank you so much."
he opens the door to a man with short blonde hair.
"Officer? Are you... are you an officer? Because... wait, why are you wearing a trench coat?"
he tries to shut the door, but the man breaks it off the hinges.
"What are you!"
It's not one man, but all three he has seen - one man with three faces.
"Get away from me!"
he turns to run, and falls into an abyss. suddenly he slams onto the floor.
Where the hell am I?
"Hello, Brutus."
Oh no, its that terrible three faced man from before.
"Please, just let me go"
"I can't do that. You see, you and your friend Cassius did a very bad thing. Now you get to wait here, while I go fetch him, and you'll both get to meet Judas"
"Okay, and then what?"
"And then your eternal damnation begins"
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Authors Note:
I took this story from Dante's inferno and just ran with what came to mind. I thought to introduce the devil with wind, as in the story the devil is causing unnatural winds that Dante feels before he meets the devil. The devil is also waist deep in ice when Dante does see him, so I added hail/rain with his official appearance. The devil has three faces, so I decided to use that and trick the character into thinking he was seeing three separate people. The sounds were just ideas that I thought of when I think of past scary movies, and I ended it basically as a prequel to what Dante will eventually witness - the devil torturing all of them with his three different heads.
Hi Selena! I really enjoyed your story. I found it really entertaining. I remember reading Dante's Inferno in high school, and thought your rendition was really well done. However, I couldn't really tell if this was written as a script or the exact style you chose, but I still found it clear and fun! Nice Job!
ReplyDeleteHey Selena, I really like what you have done with this story! Creating a prologue is a nice way to get a fresh retelling of such a large story. I like the form you present your story in. Your use of first person description mixes narration and thought nicely. When paired with the dialogue and sound effects this setup drives the plot really well, giving the story an action packed/dramatic feel. Great job!
ReplyDeleteHi Selena! I really like your “You can't run, You can't hide story!” I like the fact that the story begins with so much interesting suspense. I like the names of the characters and it’s interesting as to why Judas said he betrayed Chris. That reminded me of the story of Jesus Christ and Juda. I like the ending of this interesting story: “Now you get to wait here, while I go fetch him, and you'll both get to meet Judas". The eternal damnation sounds like the hell describe in the Bible. Thank you for a great story!
ReplyDeleteHey Selena! I can tell you've watched a bit of horror, because the themes and imagery you chose put me right into the scene. I really like the way you portrayed the devil. Taking a three-faced character and presenting him as three different-looking roles is a neat way to handle it, and it presents some interesting thoughts about the comparison to the trinity while you're at it. Very good creepy vibes. Great work!
ReplyDeleteHi Selena! I really like how to start off with a strong setting in your story... it really makes the reader feel like they're there! After reading your comment in the Author's Note, I agree that your story has the feel of a horror film. I like how the repeated "Thumps" and tapping add an element of sound to your story!
ReplyDelete